Absurd Mechanics

I dream a dream ..

2010-02-02T12:14:00.000-08:00

She wondered about the dream and living it. She was not awake to ask whose it was, or if it was worth it, all she knew was detached silent ecstacy.

All that was offered was not worth her adoration, All she could do was to commit to an act of manipulation.

The dream didnt hide her dilema. To hide the heart and show some love? or show some heart and hide the love? Ah! the scarred heart, or the taint of love? A hushed project, the hope of restoration, all that was left was a whiff of irritation .. And she walked ...

One to my beautiful One!
Walking into the setting sun,
Walk, and let it all drop,
No chains, no fears,
Not even my longing tears,

And night is where I will hide,
A memory and a rose, my company,
Float away, lightly,
Into the sojourn of the nightly ..

Let my words fail,
And when you please, my queen,
Find your way,
through my secret trail ..

Kya mol?

2010-02-02T10:08:00.001-08:00

Gajre ke do toote phool
ek ab rahi yaad mujhko
ek ab gaya mai bhool ...

Kabhi suni thi Sukoon ki daastaan,
Daastaan suni thi kabhi sukoon se,
Kuch lavz aur kuch moti the,
Aur kuch Geele samaan,
Kabhi socha sab rakhlu marzi se,
Kabhi socha du baant arzi se,
Par kya karu jab pakda jau,
Yu raho me jakda jau,
Ziddi uske gesu the,
Ziddi uski daanth ..

Chehera ka kuch noor bhi bechu,
Lo dekho pada hai uss kone me,
Mol hai tho lelo babu,
Anmol hai tho rakhlo babu,
Mitti kaho tho mitti samjho,
Na samajh ho tho dhool ..

Gajre ke do toote phool
Dekh ab rahi yaad mujhko
Dekh ab gaya mai bhool

...

2009-12-20T07:50:00.000-08:00

It lasts exactly 2 days, if your lucky an hour more. It is well worth waiting the rest of the year though.

Between the day and the night, there is twilight and many shadows. And while we are busy making the light from the dark, the shadows meet to create deeper hues and whispers, while we wait for what we dont understand, but dream about.

There is poetic justice, where there is no poetry nor justice. The ground where we stand today, is not the ground we can bank upon, the feet always look for the ground.

There is no shame, there is no fear, just a pulsing heart taking one step at a time.

Bahar barf hai

2009-12-09T16:42:00.000-08:00

Raat ke baara baje hai abhi,
Shaayad tum soyi ho kahi,
Inn aahato se pare,
Tere naadaan labo pe shaayad muskurahat hai,
Aur mere Haatho me ek jaam,
Phoolo ki baarish hai yaha,
Geela barf ke chaalo se tapke,
Kuch katre khoon mein,
Kuch sukoon, aur Kuch behoshi hai,
Aur Ek Shukriya!
aaj mai hu, aur tum bhi,

Sochu kya kahu tumse,
Jab dar ba dar, bas, khamoshi hai
Ek Shukriya bas,
Aaj mai hu, aur tum bhi ..
Bas Shukriya, haan shukriya.

And Yeah please smile!

2009-10-27T18:29:00.000-07:00

Man started out with the geocentric theory. In some ways he never moved on.

Only, what science disproved was brought back in a more genial word: Practicality.

Practical people are those that center everything around them. Largely because we have only one view point available to us: Ours. Hence are so accustomed to this view point and so alien to other possibilities that a pactical person is most of the time is either faking his joy or hating their loneliness and in between seeing peaks of exhilirations which are not meant to last, because the dreamer in us dies every night. But human life is all about freezing and finding everlasting happiness - outside fairy tales of course.

Obviously there is nothing wrong with it except that it ingrains in itself the inherent disharmony between individuals. For obvious reasons if you can see it.

Dreamers are hence practical people, who are trapped by a vision - they often make shifts between the two states and breed in-decision and in-conclusion. Of course there is a rare possibility that you have met a total dreamer or a totally practical person - but these are rarely full time occupations.

Early on in life I was always caught in this dilema. Mentally I could never accept any rules given to me, but in my actions I found no reason to deal with the aftermath of being a rebel. Until lightning struck, like it usually does, in a drunken Eureka moment. Now I know better, I just let be.

You can always extrapolate needs and motivations onto others and make judgements, but seldom the actions of individuals confirm to a fit pattern. Because the motivations agree with practical people, yet within all of us is also the ideal dreamer. He brings in the uncertainity into action and you end up inventing complex theories to explain simple actions from your view point.

Richard Feynman once famously remarked (something to this effect) that if its a simple model, it cant be true, because uncertanity is inherent in nature. I dont agree with him, with due regards to his stature, yet its never out of context more often than not.

Its amazing to see how the answers to the same question keep changing with the context you place them in.

Ask a question: What is marriage?
- A social contract just at the point of divorce with exit clauses
- Enforced fidelity for insecure couples.
- A sacred insitution for religion etc etc.

Or maybe you would muse that its a culmination of love, an act of sharing values etc

But then what is love? Fundamentally its just an emotion, quite useful one at that and pleasurable one too.

But then how can there be love anyhow without absolute freedom to the other and absolute trust in self in absolute human context - if there is such a thing like that of course?

Yet we have learnt only the love of bondage, of marriage, of family, of absolutely measureable and predictable relationships. God forbid, we get what we ask for, because it would kill us of boredom. The burden of predictibility is boredom with a gift of security. I'd rather have the burden off my back.

Let me make it worse if you happen to read so far: because we know there is no love if we give absolute freedom because we can never attain absolute self trust, we choose to live and give in to the momentum of society - which actually controls us with an illusion of freedom within its confines.

Nothing wrong with it in particular, just that it makes everything people commonly subscribe to quite absurd irrespective of what they keep believing and hoping for - the unattainable.

All we want in different names is everlasting harmony and peace but we cannot make the effort required to make it possible, we always have practicality on our side abetting us to blame every other moving self-willed carbon from in the world except ourselves.

Isnt it amazing really, one reality, two people, different judgements. Because:
- Different experiences
- Different presets

Look at the claims of gender bias around if you doubt it to be operational. Emotions make us dreamers, intelligence makes us practical. Not as a rule of thumb, but yeah, I guess you get the picture. Nature has endowed women with greater emotional sensitivity for a good reason, so then come back to the same thing: One reality, two view points with different presets leading to different experiences and often, sad conclusions. What does being open minded mean here anyhow?

Ideology is never incompatible if you realise this. Every human thought structure has the same source, and similar evolution path - what often changes is the axioms that add up to aggregates that lead to the derivatives and conclusions - to make it worse people first act and then find a way to justify the actions.

Well, all you have to do in justification is find a context which is most flattering to your view point and actions - either a practical one that of a dreamer. So, the dreamer says love can transcend all barriers, and yet the practical one concludes, the only barrier you should not cross is me! Easy isnt it? Hence we end up with two versions of us, us and the way others look at us! and viola, there is disharmony!

Yet there is a common ground, it roots in practicality and idealism in equal measures. So Often it really is a matter of balance more than anything.

Lets learn asking these questions before making further judgements:
Have you found your context? Can we find a context we can work with? Ultimately, all human affairs boil down to this. Lets keep it that way: simple.

Next time before the vomit of hate reaches our lips in our geocentric need to judge the universe lets remember:

Its a scare house folks!! its all fake! But it scares the shit out of you anyhow.

Stick around, holding the hand, there is a big door at the end of the house that reads EXIT. Outside, there are bigger things to achieve together.

Life dosent end, because we have learnt the trick well. The trick we were born with, the trick to keep postponing absolute conclusions in favor of momentary expressions. Or better never know that they exist.

Guilty as charged! But lets make up anyhow! and money, and kids, and home, and err - I am digressing ;)

And Yeah please smile.

Beers!
Hick!!

Life trapped outside.

2009-10-23T07:29:00.001-07:00

Someone is at your doorstep with a wad of flowers everyday, but your choice and your suspicion does not allow you to open the door and you look for fragrance behind the closed doors.

Every gesture of the hands that hold the flowers is the mime of a silent threat, every knock a unwelcome noise to the notes you spontaneously dance to. The price for admission to the concert is a life in the empty hall.

A Life trapped outside.

Nature, am I a part of it?

2009-10-19T10:37:00.001-07:00

Human relationships are the only areas in which you could get into trouble of persecution if you try harder. Either in pursuation or in resolution.

Nature is kinder, failure only indicates missing links and your limitations are exposed to work around and work with.

All the proponents of Utopia have tried to reduce this trouble of persecution, because this is what we quantify as suffering, by suggesting some means of reducing humans to the level of objective nature or divine nature.

Problem is, the question will always remain: Nature, am I a part of it?

Any answer wont do, rigerous pursuit wont do, what will do is either risk the persecution or detach. Often your stakes decide the course of your action. We are all the same and address the same needs in ways and means that are in tune with our limitations.

The lights are off.

2009-10-13T16:01:00.000-07:00

I am out of all the good things to write to you, but here is a summary of the last thing unsaid:
"Let the false memory of "I owe" be the first to perish, into the grim understanding of "I own" - but that would make it wishful thinking, so let me add - "nothing" to keep it real.

For, I know, that nothing ever touches you, the way you want, your bullshit filter is dense and you keep it on all the time. Perhaps the hazard of taking it off too fatal too many times.

And I heard you say often: "So for your own safety and mine, allow me to take the bullshit one last time. Take it for granted that now my goggles are off, and I stare at the glare and its hurting my eyes. Before I decide to go blind, turn off the lights, and lets enjoy the supper and wine, in the soft shadows of the candle lit night."

I heard you say often, but you didn't hear me the last time, when I whispered overawed and angry: "But it is not bullshit, its just what I carefully learnt for you to hear for the first time". Or maybe you heard, and needed to know for sure.

Tonight, I gift you certainty, the fragrant flowers you like.

Now smile, the lights are off.

I died, many times over.

2009-10-13T14:44:00.000-07:00

I died many times over. Everyday, every minute effortlessly the voice chokes behind the sealed lips. Words accumulate in suffocation. A spectacle that reads "if not" not "without", the intent alive.

The impaled body sucked in by its own gravity, a slow grinding movement, one inch at a time, until the stake, the smell of wood and metal soaked in blood, touches the heart. Careful not to pierce it, that it beats and I savour the flavor of every minute in pain. Not repenting, not crying, telling myself, this is better than a promise I made. Now there cannot be a complain. Now there should not be a complain for every breath I take.

The breath does not cease, the tune does not cease, the name, the sound, the ring, and shriek does not cease. It tells me there is no nobility in death, and no pain in its escape, the pain is here - STAY ALIVE to it. Let the man stand by in horror, let the god shriek in pain, the pain of his impaled creation. Nature will stand by, and witness, silent, without asking for an interpretation of its silence.

Clinical death they tell me is a crime if you can control it, unless it is certified legal - undetected, perhaps. Until I figured out a way - to work myself to death.

Work, I told myself, till nature snaps its fingers and let the horror or impalement conclude, logically with tenderness and kindness only a mother would afford - of ending.

I died many times over. Let not a word be spoken in merit of death, mocking life, both accorded as gifts. One as awareness of pain and other as an escape. Gifts lost on me forever that this moment is.

I made the first sin. I let time vanish.

Will you re-calibrate the magic?

The Purge

2009-10-10T23:46:00.001-07:00

The purpose of life is to live. Yet this very notion is absurd, because what we fill into this word live, roots in the absurd. I am here, like the absurd name, exploring the mechanics I live by.

He, the Beast!

2009-10-10T23:32:00.001-07:00

He was the discard of Human nature and stood up to defy the mockery thrust onto his face. Determination was etched in his silences, the pause was a moment of comprehension, a plan, to uncover the weakness that lie behind veil of the mocking face. It was in that moment, of delicate balance, that he discovered, that his life as he knew, would move, across the movements, winning them over, overpowering everything that stood as the shadow of deception, between him and his clarity, between him and the time he would have for himself, away from the moments to decide the nature of his purpose. The existence struck him in one blow and the second blow was his on everything that stood between them. The growl was loud, but it wasnt a vent, it wasn't the shame of pain or suffering. It was a warning, of the rage within, it was a challenge to see him clearly, to see himself clearly, through the gradations of strength. The eyes held no spite, the body ached for the fight. The strength was not failing, the fumble no apology. His grip, his ground, his life, he stood alone.
From a moment of comprehension, he moved on. He became the beast.

If you are kind.

2009-10-07T12:03:00.001-07:00

You are my priority,
Nothing I'd know,
Other than you,
and my sweat,
In that order,
You wish, I could
ask you something,
In return,
But I cant,
Just a hope,
I wont express,
and be damned,
I am Silent,
but praying
Take me for granted,
Treat me like dirt,
Just Promise me,
and give me back my hurt

The Auto-Pilot.

2009-10-03T08:20:00.001-07:00

Feelings are unreliable to guide actions, they seem to be validating / executing / establishing biases. So choice of action has to be by elected morality;

This is where the axioms you begin with matters while you are on the autopilot "to do the right" or be paralized by the need to do so.

Those that avoid the auto pilot, either by seeing that there is no objective morality, or defy it, are potentially dangerous and eventually end up as discards, ending on either extremes of the human arc, not that it would matter to them either ways.

Mediation is just another choice. Will in operation can drag humanity at large a few notches higher or lower on any scale you use to measure this self-conscious life.

But, this is wishful thinking, they somehow escape any need you define for them, and are mostly unmindful of any cateogry you choose to put on them. There is also those who know, but cant operate and those that fake, but they largely fall into the natural cycle of averages and are perfectly to be expected to be where they are in the natural scheme of things.

Spontaneous action, needs tremendous integration for those on "auto-pilot of right" and this has to be through election of philosophy, not science, until of course, we find a way to integrate them both into the human psyche seamlessly, which would have to be a biological mutation or next leap of evolution.

In the meantime, we can graciously lean on experience, for by its nature, experience implies constant improvement if the data leading to it is evaluated with clarity and objectivity. This is self esteem too.

Then there is the individual inability to deal with feelings either biologically or physiologically before it festers into a wound called action (or reaction). The entire being is seized by a singluar force acting out random memories and "apparently" incoherent thoughts forcing out reactions that would otherwise be offensive coming from others.

While it makes no difference in the bigger scheme of things, in the individual sphere of existence, the reactions themselves can never be devoid of meaning and/or implications, because an average human being can never be devoid of the context of the "auto-pilot" he is operating on. Justifications run either ways, and while are irrelevent in themselves, there is a strong reason why judgement itself should cease while the reactions necessary for survival are never out of place.

There is a point, when there are no feelings, only an acute awareness of how they operate around you. You can see the cause/effect in operation around you, and limit your judgement to the action (re-action), in the limited sense of the its outcome, while individuals fade out into the background. This is both love and hope in their limited definitions of human psyche for its own ascent.

Everything you say sounds mystic to the one outside the zone of this integration inspite of your disclaimers of the opposite! Its life, and its fine. You absolutely do not have to reach out without a reason or explain to every cause that presents itself as your nemisis. Go Live!